While listening to Nancy Pelosi talk during the bipartisan meeting on health reform, I came up with the ultimate solution to health care reform. I won’t take all of the credit for it, it was mostly Nancy’s idea.

Ms. Pelosi wants to pass new legislature so that everybody can have access to health care. Not just healthcare, but better healthcare. The new health reform will lower costs, increase accessibility and increase performance. This is great. I didn’t realize that all of this can happen with the stroke of a pen. Capitalism and the markets are totally unnecessary… And that’s when it hit me.

If she can just legislate the way to better healthcare, she should start at the heart of the problem. Don’t mandate healthcare for everybody. Mandate away the need for healthcare at all. Mandate an end to cancer. That’s right, make it impossible to get cancer, with the stroke of a pen. Not just cancer, mandate away diabetes and obesity and heart disease and asthma and osteoporosis and depression and AIDS. Once we’re legislated our way out of all of these health problems, we’ll be in great shape. Then we can start getting into the more exciting things. Legislate my ability to fly. Legislate my ability to have mind control. Oh, and legislate the end to war and famine.

Thanks.